EMPTY

I cannot believe myself. This is the most boring holiday ever. I am always alone and always have issues with my organ inside me (they called it heart). The truth is, I've done a lot of thinking and reminiscing about the past. This whole one year is great. What will happened to me next year? I dont know. yet.

Do you believe when ppl said that they do anything for their loved ones??? As a matter of fact.. I do. Because I feel the same way too. Loved ones.. to me, it defines as immediate family, boyfriend and a few close friends. I'll do anything to make them happy. There was this time, I asked myself "What do you really want in your life?".. the only answer that I had in mind was "Happiness". Long after that,I started asking myself again, "Is happiness really what I wanted in life???".so, I changed my mind. No. I dont want happiness. All that I want is "The happiness of my loved ones". This may sound dramatic but it's the truth. Things happened and make me wonder...

How many days/months/years/decade to I have? Who knows I may be dead tomorrow. And what are there to be left behind??? What if tomorrow never comes?? What if I never got the chance to tell those ppl how I really feel? How much they meant to me? or to ask for forgiveness??I came to a solution, which works quite well.. that is to be honest. Not just with myself, more importantly to those who are important in my life. That has become my principal or motto "Be honest"

You see, my plan seems perfect, but there is a flaw.. Speaking of perfect, ever heard of a cliche "Nobody's perfect".. Well, that is so not true..Everybody is BORN perfect.. but as we grow, we become less perfect. You know, like spoiled from parents, frens, environment... Back to the flaw of my plan..It never work as only one party is honest and the other doesnt. And not everyone like to know the truth or can handle the truth...The world seems unfair..

So, I got myself a new plan.. to IGNORE everything.. put a big wall on the door of my heart. Become heartless.. Im gonna try that. and not to forget..be mean...hahaha..It doesnt mean that I dont care.. but I think I found a better way so they dont know that I care.. If I ever gone.. there are nothing to be missed.. Ppl say that "you'll never realize until they are gone".. This is so never gonna happened to me..

Being protective is good. but I dont know.. I always have this ego..I cant seem to get rid of it.. This ego make me hold myself back.. like not talking or listening or juz dont bother.. This ego also has made me not talking to someone.. She is always around in this holiday, but I just ignore her.. hahaha.. It is really hard to forgive anyone who hurt my family..and I dont think I want to try..